WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
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[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable