I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
You Might Also Like
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”