Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
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Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.