Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
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Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Baller is short for ballerina
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.