Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
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The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.