New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
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[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.