My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
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Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times