Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
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*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside