My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
You Might Also Like
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
The three genders.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”