Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
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It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Noah was an idiot.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I support this random dude and all his protests
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.