If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
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Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Oh hi lol
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*