Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
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Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
me after drinking all the wine:
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes