*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
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You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?