you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
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“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.