One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
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Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
then why did i get this email
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I love twitter
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me