I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
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Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
OH. COME. ON.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”