It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
You Might Also Like
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine