i hope my email finds you on fire
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Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
courtroom exchange of the day
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?