Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
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Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
<enter password>
me
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meonstilts
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meandbatmanonstilts
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place