CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
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If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.