5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
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2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Lmao the reply
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.