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If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Mhm.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.