[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
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my fav colour is also hitler
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication