Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
And that about sums it up.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Noah was an idiot.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.