Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
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DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*