College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
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I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!