If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
You Might Also Like
ok this is my dumbest yet
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
#Caturday
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar