The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
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