Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
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how do y’all walk in shallow water
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers