doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
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Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.