[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
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[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
what’s really going on
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
“Huge”.