“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT