I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
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professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
new wife guy just dropped
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
scared to check what name she chose
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.