ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
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Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats