I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
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I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.