Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
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Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.