Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
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I had to Stop for this
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
oh you wanna fight?!
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.