Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
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Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
* gets mugged *
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