Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
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They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.