The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
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If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Life is a suicide mission.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo