[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
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her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
This trial is so absurd 😭
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.