My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
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When you “pspspsp” too hard
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”