What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
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It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that