Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
You Might Also Like
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.