*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
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Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.