Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
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Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat