Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
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If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
The little toadstool has spoken.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
buying dead houseplants to save time
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.