My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
You Might Also Like
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
💯😂
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.