[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?