[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
You Might Also Like
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Lol.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
The Friday File.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!